i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
