I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
