You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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