saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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