My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
