i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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