I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
