Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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