A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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