remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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