I will die if light touches me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
