Michael Bay diarrhea
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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