Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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