I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
