I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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