you would pick up someone in the library
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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