birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
