Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
