I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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