The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I deserve this hangover.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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