I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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