I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
