Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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