If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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