so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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