I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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