Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize