Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
