Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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