Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Edward fifth and chaser hands
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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