rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
