So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize
