i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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