i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
