4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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