i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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