i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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