I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
