I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize