so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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