The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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