i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
