Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize