I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
