only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
