That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
