can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
