I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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