I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
