My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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