I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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