i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
