I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
