That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
