I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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