I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
