ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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