matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
